It's important to say that before I started this journey I was extremely depressed. I felt my life was all screwed up, that I had really missed out on the opportunities presented, or that I badly botched the opportunities I had. I thought that, instead of continuing to try to excell the way I've always felt I could, it was time to give up, give in, quit trying and just "roll-with-the-flow." Considering the fact that I have some 20+ years to go in my life, that last thought--in itself--would be enough to send anyone into depression.
Even now I feel that my life has been inconsequential and my accomplishments few. For example: I can play the piano by ear. So I play for myself. I can compose music at the piano, and apparently some people like the compositions, but I've never played my pieces anywhere by church, and I've never published them. (In defense of the latter though, I can play music, and I can read music; I just never learned how to write music.) I've written well, and I can edit a piece to convey more of the feeling that the writer wanted to express themselves. But I've never submitted a piece for publication. I have taken a few exceptional (I think) pictures, but never tried to market them. I've raised 5+2 beautiful kids with great potential, but I haven't raised them well.
There are roadblocks I put up that have kept me from taking my talents beyond my home, but I'm clueless as to how to take them down. (Refer back to the "I can't" blog....I've been really at advising others while constructing my own walls.)
And my marriage has been a living arrangement for over 10 years. Ten years without passion, without emotional love, without a true partner, has definitely helped pave the road to a dispassionate life. I have had few "YEAH!" moments in that time. I mean the moments where you're estatic, happy beyond happy. Moments that create tears of joy. I miss them.
So why the downer intro, you ask? Because in order to track progress it helps to know what the starting point was. I'm no wealthier than I was two months ago. I'm no more beautiful than I was two months ago. My children aren't any closer to me than they were two months ago (well, except for one--who, apparently, I made some good choices with). And I still haven't published. BUT.....I was giving up two months ago. I didn't see any reason not to. Then I started listening and reading and one of the most oft repeated instructions was to have a goal. I've lived my life thinking I had a goal, only to realize, now, that it was a goal to achieve or succeed, but not at what, or where, or when. So it was an aimless goal. If there's any one thing that really makes sense of what I've learned, is that specificity is imperative.
So here's the "rest of the story" (ala Paul Harvey). My interest in learning has been rekindled. My interest in finding myself, my strengths, my attributes, my potential, is escalating. I'm disecting my wants and desires to find the core goal, one that can create an overwhelming craving for it. And because the focus of using the power within is to always think positive, I find myself smiling a lot more. Plus, wonder of wonders, I had a little (it's a beginning) "Yeah!" moment last week that meant I'm starting to live again. A life of truly living now has the potential to be abundantly possible.
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